Me Thinks #MeToo

I was born as a male of the species, a fact which comes with certain advantages like not having to menstruate every month or to pay the price of pregnancy for a moment of sexual indiscretion. It also means that I am born into some privileges like more social power (as yet) and better physical strength (generally, though there are exceptions).

Sexual harassment is a subject that has intrigued and distressed me in equal measures and that I have discussed, deliberated on and involved myself with since much before #MeToo. And yet I begin with a handicap while talking about it or about gender issues in general.

It is not easy for me to talk about my opinions on the subject without encountering a said or unsaid response of ‘Aha! That’s a man speaking’ which keeps hanging on every word I have to say like a thick cloud of suspicion (even disqualification). I must, therefore, cover my opinions with a shroud of sweetness, sensitivity and platitudes so as not to invite an immediate backlash questioning my morality, decency and attitudes (patriarchal).

And even then, just to be extra cautious, I must first present my credentials to be honorable and impeccable. Stating verifiable facts help. For instance, my wife happens to be equally qualified as I am, earns more than I do, is the main breadwinner of the family, spends more time outside the house while I am at home. That most (not all) gender roles are reversed or are rendered irrelevant in our home. That I have only one child and that is an eighteen-year-old daughter who is fiercely independent and a free thinker, much to our discomfort at times, as parents. That I have never knowingly indulged in any kind of sexual harassment, nor I have been accused of it. That throughout my childhood and even later I have seen my mother stand up for any and every abused woman in family or neighborhood, often with the tacit support of my father. That I have always fought for equality for the girl child in my house and outside, though with varying degrees of success.

I hope this makes me decent and qualified enough to share my opinions on sexual harassment in spite of my inherently questionable position as the male of the species.

So here it goes:

Firstly, sex is one of the most powerful forces which is at the core of procreation and continuation of species. Controlling this force gives one access to tremendous power. That is what patriarchy is all about, and its main object and instrument is the control of female sexuality.

Sexual harassment, therefore, is less about sex and more about power. If most women I know have been sexually harassed then, by extension most men I know have been sexual predators at some point in time. Also, there is a high chance that while a woman is being harassed, her own father, brother, son or husband is harassing some other woman somewhere else.

The seeds of sexual harassment are often sown within our homes. A predator outside the house might also be an abuser inside the house. So, when my wife stands up to my abusive ways and my mother curbs her down, who has encouraged a monster? It is ironical that patriarchy as an attitude by itself is gender neutral and it infects men and women alike. It might also be so that we must try and win the battle against sexual harassment at home first before the war can be won in society at large.

Secondly, when we ask for protection, we are also acknowledging we are weak. If we ask someone to protect us, we also give him the power to decide what is good and safe for us. Freedom is the price of protection. Freedom is the price of not taking responsibility for our own protection.

So, women have something to consider before they start demanding protection. The moment you seek protection from state or society (or even your dad), they start dictating the length of your skirt, where you can go with whom, what time should you be back home, etc. It is a good idea to take responsibility for your own safety. Learn self-defence, use pepper sprays, form your own safety groups, and fight!

Last but not the least, societies are often defined by the choices people make and the actions they take. The story that gets told, every once in a while, for instance, is how many aspiring and ambitious women were victimized by some Hollywood bigshot before they became cine goddesses. The story that needs to be told, and seldom gets told, is how many women walked away from him with their heads held high, choosing rather to pay the price than to succumb.

Highlighting harassment and victimhood, howsoever well meaning, only reinforces the patriarchy. Sharing stories of self-empowered women who stood for themselves and of men who stood with them can play far better role in breaking down the edifice of patriarchy. While it is important for men to introspect and show remorse, it is equally important for women to acknowledge a positive male archetype.

In the end, sexual harassment is real and rampant. But reducing it to a man-woman or a predator-prey binary will only strengthen the very patriarchy which causes it in the first place. It is a battle which needs to be fought by men and women together at every stage of social engagement.